In one of my manic states of depression, I pushed someone who was already on edge. (Thanks birth control hormones!) When they said they didn't have the patience to deal with me anymore and we couldn't see each other anymore, I was devastated.
I love talking to him, being around him, all that; Or should I say 'loved' because that's no longer how I spend my free time, but you get the idea.
Here I was, having someone to do things with, spend time with, who wanted to spend time with me and then all of a sudden I was plunged into loneliness. All because I couldn't give him the weekend that he requested so that he could recharge his batteries.
Me of all people should know how important that time is because I need it myself. Regardless, here I am, and I need to keep going.
Oh, did I mention this all happened three days before my birthday so needless to say, the plans that I originally had were tossed out the window. Not the way I imagined how that was going to go, and I ended up spending it alone.
Well, the whole reason that I say this experience has been awakening, transforming and therapeutic is because normally when this would happen, (always the dumpee, never the dumper. (Oh god, I just realized what word I chose.)) I'd be devastated.
This time I can mostly control my urges to want to call and/or text him and give him the space that he wanted. Also for the most part, I'm trying to not give myself such a hard time about it.
Usually I would beat myself up, tear myself down and into pieces. I couldn't be the person they wanted, when the reality of it should be that the person that they want should be the person that I am.
That I shouldn't have to change myself completely for someone else. That the only things that I should change are the things that *I* feel are issues for me, not what someone else thinks my issues are.
That I need to think positively about myself. About this problem that I have. Thinking that I'm never good enough for someone. Because honestly, I am indeed an awesome person.
I'm fun to be around. I make fun plans. I'm considerate. I always try to see the best in people. I'm not afraid to give my heart away. I'm not afraid of risks. I'm more than willing to give people the benefit of the doubt. I'm loving and trusting. I'm willing to try new things. I'm a motivator and believe that everyone should follow their dreams and their passions.
Before this turns anymore into a dating site about me profile I'd like to say that out of the tragedy of heartbreak, I have learned to love myself a little bit more.
I used to have this notion that I was never good enough for somebody to love. Mostly due to brainwashing from an ex. I used to think that somebody had to be completely crazy to willing to want to be with me; to see beauty in me; to essentially put up with me.
To an extent, I still do think that they have be crazy, but not as crazy as I was used to believing.
So the problem isn't necessarily me. It's that they aren't ready for me or what I have to offer, and that's just fine. It's perfectly acceptable. Everyone is at a different place in their lives.
I'll say this. He is a great person who I would definitely like to stay friends with eventually. He's a quality person. I just have to chalk this one up to meeting the right person at the wrong time.